


The Air I Breathe

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-02-22
Updated: 2000-02-22
Packaged: 2018-11-11 04:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11140626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: My obligatory CotW story.





	The Air I Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Air I Breathe

## The Air I Breathe

by Lucy Hale

* * *

Title - The Air I Breathe  
Author - Lucy Hale  
Rating - PG.   
Pairing - RayK/Fraser  
Spoilers - Call of the Wild, little bit of MotB Disclaimers - Don't own em, no money. Yadda yadda yadda Notes - Well, I posted my first dS slash story today, and got a bunch of comments about how RayK belongs with Fraser, and no other Mountie. So I thought I'd whip out a little something to satisfy you lovely people that sent me feedback. I live to please. <G> This is a CotW bit of fluff. Again, no hot sex. I'm building up to that. It's also my first POV piece, so be gentle. 

* * *

I gotta give Frase credit. He's a chameleon. He has a lot of masks, for every occasion. I mean, I've been his partner fer a long time, and I thought I'd seen em all. He has polite masks -- in every possible shape and size -- he has work masks, guard duty masks, smiling masks, frowning masks, and everything in between. 

But it wasn't until the door to that hotel room opened and Ray God-damned Vecchio appeared that I realized that Frase had been wearing a mask the entire time I'd known him, and one I hadn't been able to see through. 

I saw the minute that mask crumbled, though. I saw the happiness appearing in his eyes, and the smile that lit that face I have only dreamed about being able to cause. And it was all fer him. 

Holy shit, if that doesn't hurt me. I mean, I've always known eventually everything would change. Unless Vecchio bought it while he was undercover, he was bound to come back and take everything away. I guess I just didn't count on getting so attached to his life. 

I didn't count on Fraser being so attached to Vecchio. 

I was deluded all this time, I suppose. Just 'cause Frase was willing to keep up the ruse, just 'cause he hardly even mentioned the real Vecchio anymore, I assumed he was alright with it. I assumed that some miracle had happened, and Fraser thought I was just as worthy a partner. 

And what's really funny is once I thought I was good enough to be his partner, I started having all kinds of other thoughts. Like, that I was good enough to be his friend. And then, maybe, I was good enough to be more. 

Strange, huh? Deluded. Dumb. Fraser could come up with a better word, some five syllable definition for my stupidity that would win a Scrabble game. But dumb would do for now. 

I dunno what surprises me more, the fact that I'm capable of falling in love with somebody again, post-Stella, or the fact that the person I fell in love with is Benton Fraser. Now don't get me wrong. I got no problems with Fraser bein' a guy or anything. I mean, hell, he's pretty much walking perfection, so actually being in love with him was practically inevitable. What surprises me was that I was actually letting myself think that it could happen. That walking talking Greek god Fraser could deign to care about me. 

Aw, geez. Even thinkin' about it now, I gotta wonder what the hell was going through my head. But it made sense when it happened. Fraser's square, of course, and I couldn't see him as being gay. But he also had these real high ideals about everybody, and didn't seem to separate folks into catagories if they was male or female, so I guess I figured he'd be able to love someone no matter what was or wasn't hangin between their legs. 

God only knows what it was made me think I was the one who'd be able to break through that Mountie wall and earn his love. But I gotta say, even though I wasn't good enough to do it, I never would have thought that Ray Vecchio.... 

Hell. I'm gettin all upset again thinking about it. But what else am I gonna think about? I'm standing here watching these Mounties serve up what's left of Gerrard's little gang of baddies, and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting for Frase to stop playing hero long enough to come over here and confirm to me that I got nothing left in the world. 

Who'd have thought I'd get so damned melodramatic? But I can't help it. I'm watching him with his fellow Mounties, in his home land, and I swear I've never seen him look so happy. He's sad, too, a little, has been since they dug him and Gerrard outta that hole in the ground, but mostly, he looks more alive than I've ever seen. 

He's beautiful. He's really something to watch. He breathes in the cold air here like he had been suffocating the whole time he was in Chigaco. Which, given the city, could be the truth. He's breathing easy now. I'm the one suffocating. 

Jesus, this is hard to even think about. But I can't breathe, waiting for him to tell me he had fun, thanks, and bye. Ray Vecchio is all ready and waiting back in Chicago for his old partner. Ray Vecchio, who could make his eyes light up and his mouth twist into that smile... 

Christ, it's just not fair. All the time I spent with him, I never made Fraser smile like that. And it's all I ever wanted to do, from the moment I met the guy. I love him. I love him so much. More than I can remember ever loving anyone. Even Stel. It's kind of sick, I guess. Maybe I'm just trying to torture myself, but it's been so long since I slept a whole night without seeing his face in my mind, without picturing...well, everything. I dreamed about us in every kind of X-rated situation imaginable. And you know what's funny? In my dreams, I'm always doin all the work. Like even in my fantasies, all I want is to make him feel good. And that's usually enough to get me off, watching him all flushed and panting, and happy. 

That's all I want, I guess. I know. All I want. To make him happy. All I want is for it to be me he's looking at when his eyes light up and he smiles so wide you can see his teeth. He's been lonely for a long time, same as me, and I should probably be happy that Vecchio is back, that he don't have to be lonely no more. 

But I'm not. I'm selfish and petty, and I want it to be me. And knowing that it won't ever be has been enough to make me cry myself to sleep out here. I been trying to talk to Frase, to tell him it's fine with me if he partners up with Vecchio again. All the time, I know it doesn't mean shit. He doesn't need my permission, probably couldn't care less. But I keep giving it to him. I'm fishing for an argument that won't ever come. I'm waiting for him to give me that cocked Mountie look and tell me I'm being silly, he has no intention of forgetting about me. 

But it don't happen. It won't. And I'm so miserable watching him in all this snow, tracking his movements and flinching every time he comes close to where am. Watching the Ice Queen and Turnbull and that guy Frobisher talking and laughing with him and each other, I'm just waiting to be pointed out as the punchline. God, it sucks. I frigging suck. I never want him to talk to me again if he's just gonna say goodbye. At the same time, if he doesn't come over here soon I'm gonna scream. 

His Mountie intuation must be flaring again, cause all of the sudden he turns and looks at me sitting here huddled by this fire. All of the sudden he's coming over here. 

I can't move. Shit, this is it. I just know it. This is where I suffocate to death, where he takes away all that air he's given me through the last coupla years. 

My mind, insanely, flashes on the Henry Allen. Buddy breathing. He gave me air to keep me from drowning, and when we surfaced, I had to put on a mask of my own and ask him if anything's changed. I couldn't tell him how bad I wanted things to change. I couldn't tell him that him breathing into my mouth like that was actually pretty damned ironic, cause he'd been the air I breathed since that first day in the station. 

"Ray, are you alright?" 

I blink up at him, wondering for a second whether I should pretend to ignore him and get him to do that chant thing with my name. Too late, though. "Yeah, sure. Kinda tired." 

Fraser nods slightly as though he understands, which is stupid, cause he looks wide awake and full of energy. For once, it's him that would be bouncing off the walls. If there were any walls here. "You've been quiet the last few days." 

"Just lettin events unfold around me, Benton-buddy. Enjoying the scenery." I grin at him, wondering if it looks as phony as it feels. 

Apparently it does, cause he's now giving me that wide-eyed look that seems to go right through me. "Are you really?" 

"Sure. What's not to like? Snow, and...snow. And we've got some snow. And over there, snow. It's almost too much for me to handle." Ahh, sarcasm. Refuge for the broken-hearted. 

I don't know what I expected from that -- maybe that Frase would give up and go back to hang out with his happy Mountie friends. But he doesn't. He hunkers down right beside me and looks into the small fire for a coupla seconds. "Ray..." 

I just know I'm suddenly even paler than I was. "Yeah?" 

"I think we should talk." 

Oh, holy shit. Stella made me hate those words so bad. "About what?" 

Fraser turns to me now. And man, I can only sit there and stare at those big eyes, the dark hair. Pale skin, red lips. He's flushed from the cold and the excitement, and it's making him glow. That twinkle's still in his eyes -- has been ever since we landed in this ice closet. 

He's fucking beautiful. 

I hate this. 

"We were interrupted the last time we spoke, remember?" 

Of course I remember, and I send a quick glare over towards the Ice Queen just to look away from those eyes. 

"We were speaking about partnerships, Ray. About what would happen when we returned to Chicago. And the real Ray Vecchio." 

"Yeah," I interrupt him, cause I don't need to be reminded. "I was there, remember?" 

"Ray." His eyes have gotten all serious. 

I'm gonna throw up. "What?" 

"I'm not going back." 

"What?" The words are so far from anything I'm expecting to hear, I can't quite compute. 

"I can't leave, Ray. This is my home. I'll never regret my time in Chicago, but I can't go back. I need to be here. Can you understand?" 

I shake my head, wordless. Understand? It sounds like he's speakin another language. A strange panic is coming over me slowly, and I'm suffocating, just like I knew I would. Only now I realize that I've been suffocating my entire life. It was Fraser here who had me breathing right for the first time. And now that I know what it's like to breathe, suffocating again feels a hundred times worse than anything. 

He's not coming back. He's staying here. He won't be in Chicago. 

He's looking at me like he don't know what to make of my reaction, and under that gaze I snap. I don't know why, but everything comes pouring out. "Frase, you can't! You can't make me go back alone! I meant what I said, you know? You can work with Vecchio, I don't mind. I won't make ya feel bad for it or anything. But you have to come back. I can't be in that city without you. Please, Fras...Ben, please. I don't have to work with you, or even see you. But I gotta know yer there, otherwise I'm gonna start choking again." I'm blabbering, and I know it. I'm horrified at what's comin out of my mouth. 

But I can't stop it. "Please, Ben, don't do this to me. Don't leave me. I can't handle it, not again. Not you. Please, I lo..." 

I can feel wet warmth on my face, and it hits me, bam. I'm crying. 

And everything else hits me, and I realize I came so close to telling him I love him. I'm disgusted with myself for trying to lay a guilt trip on him, trying to drag him back to Chicago when he doesn't wanna go. 

I gotta get away from him. I gotta go before I say anything else, or I do anything else. Before I can make him or myself hate me any more that we do now. 

I jerk to my feet, and back away from that fire. I don't know if he's lookin at me, but it doesn't matter. I turn, and I run. Away from him, and the heat of the fire, and the Mounties beyond it. I run awkwardly through the snow, hoping that maybe he'll just let me go, and I'll be left alone to suffocate and die in peace. 

Not Fraser, though. I can hear him coming behind me, and it makes me go faster. I'll never be able to outrun him, not here. Not when I'm stumbling through the snow with every other step. But I have to try. 

"Ray! Please, stop." 

I ignore him, knowing that if I let myself listen hard enough, I'll hear the pity. And that's the last thing I want. Well, pity, and Ben Fraser anywhere near me. 

But my feet've got other ideas, and I stumble so hard I end up falling awkwardly on my knees. 

There's no point getting up now, and I know it. Fraser's right beside me. I sink down, and cover my face with my hands. I don't want him to see me crying like a goddamned ten-year-old girl, and I don't want to have to see the look in his eyes. 

"Ray." Frase falls to his knees right beside me. 

Which is stupid, cause his clothes are gonna get wet. He'll get sick. 

I want to tell him that, but I think it over and almost laugh. I think I'm losing my damn mind. 

"Ray, are you alright?" 

Oh, just fucking skippy. 

"Ray, please. Look at me." 

Nope, that shit ain't happening. No way in hell. 

"Ray..." There's a strange catch in Fraser's voice. "Tell me you love me." 

What? 

It takes me a sec to realise I didn't say that out loud. "What?" God, even my voice sounds pathetic. 

"Please, if that's what you were going to say, say it." 

He's got me. I look up now, after wiping the moisture off my face roughly with gloved hands. And I just stare. 

This is a Fraser mask I've never seen before. He looks like he's lost all control. His eyes are bright and almost feverish, and he's looking at me, scared and worried and upset. 

I don't know what to do. So, like always, I follow his direction. "I love you." 

Fraser's eyes shut briefly, and his face drops. 

I look at his hair for a minute, then turn back and look down at my lap. I guess it's good he made me say it. Now that I'm never gonna see him again, I guess it can't really hurt anything. 

"I.." Fraser speaks quietly. "Ray, I've never been good about things like this. It isn't often I tell someone what's really in my heart. I'm sorry to say that in the time we've been partners, I haven't been honest with you about what I was feeling." 

Oh, God. The Vecchio speech. The part where he tells me everything I already know. 

"Ray..." And it's almost like he knows I'm thinking about Vecchio, cause he gets more specific. "Ray Kowalski. I love you, too." 

I've got hypothermia again. Must be. Or else I'm asleep somewhere. Delirious or lost in a fantasy, that's the only way Benton Fraser would ever have said what I think I just heard him say. Either way, I can't answer. 

"Ray, please..." He trails off, and I reflect suddenly that I've never heard him at a loss for words before, but he's stumbling all over himself suddenly. 

So I look up at him now. He's looking back at me, and we're quiet for a minute. If I've never seen him stumble, I've sure as hell never seen him scared. But I'll be damned if that isn't how he looks now. 

It occurs to me that in my dreams, he's always smiling. 

I feel dumb saying it, but I have to. "Frase. Buddy. Am I awake?" 

A small, hopeful smile comes over his face. "I believe so, yes." 

I can't let myself get happy, though. It's too hard. "What about what you was saying a minute ago, about Chicago?" 

Fraser's smile faded. "I was speaking the truth. I can't go back. I can't breathe in the city, Ray. But...I was going to ask..." He looks absolutely petrified. "You did say you wanted to join me on a quest. The search for the Hand of Franklin. I didn't...I was hoping..." 

"I said what?" I'm searching my mind, but this isn't ringing any bells. 

Fraser studies me for a second, and then his eyes go wide. "Oh, Ray! You were sick. You spoke this while suffering from...I'm so sorry. I never would have...I thought that you..." 

I can't stand to watch him stammering. I can't stand to see that look in his eyes. "You want me to go with you? To find some guy's hand?" 

Fraser's eyes are about as round and big as I've ever seen them, and he nods. "I was going to ask..." 

A flood of something washes over me, some emotion. Like happiness. "I don't care if I was sick or dead when I said it, Ben, the answer's yes." 

He breathes in sharply. "Are you sure?" 

I'm beyond caring whether this is a dream or not. I reach out and touch his face, wanting to feel him real beside me. I'm wearing gloves, and so the moment isn't what I'd call romantic. But when I touch him, and he doesn't vanish, I can feel my heart swelling. "I'm sure." 

He leans in to my hand, but the fear is still in his eyes. "It would mean staying here, Ray. Going even further north. It will be more difficult than our trip so far has-" 

I move my hand over his mouth, smiling slightly. "You said you can't breathe in the city, Ben. I can't breathe without you." 

I don't know when I started calling him Ben, or when I began to realize that this was really happening, but it doesn't matter. 

The fear drains out of his face, and he reaches up and pulls my hand down, clutching it in his own. 

We both move together, prompted by God only knows what, and a second later, I can feel those warm lips on mine. 

And, oh God, I can breathe again. I'm not suffocating anymore. He's giving me the buddy breathing without even realizing it. 

Before things can get any more serious, I pull back and look at him. 

He's smiling, bigger than ever before. His eyes have lit up enough to power New York City for a few days. And it's me he's looking at. It's the most indescrible thing I've ever seen. 

I know, right now, as sure as anything, that neither or us are ever going to suffocate again. 


End file.
